I know this feeling well. It’s the sensation of an entire ocean slowly crushing me.
This is how it starts. A new lesson, a new satori. For Lilith is no mother.
If you ask to learn, you will. And she will operate under the assumption that if you were able to reach her, then you are able to tolerate whatever it takes.
It’s a compliment, believe it or not.
That if she crushes you hard enough, you will crystallize, like carbon to diamond. That your spark is good enough, divine enough, to attain such preternatural qualities if all the muck is burned away.
I call these “my overhauls.” I’ve been having them all my life. And I can always feel them coming. They’ve been coming fast and hard the last few years. Hardly a surprise in times like these.
This time around, the descent feels like primal, screaming fear.
I know this is going to be a big one. The last couple have been little waves compared to this vast ocean. These only come about every 5 to 10 years. I’ve prepared accordingly.
And I know what it’s for. This is the bridge to the Abyss, the path to making friends with void, which despite all these years of practice, I still haven’t entirely crossed. I am as much a monkey as anyone else, and my avoidance programming is as strong as anyone’s.
In these times of plague, delusion, and catastrophe, it’s unavoidable under a smoke-filled sky, as the ambulance’s siren wails. Most deal with it through denial. But that’s never worked for me.
I am unable to lie to myself, despite my sincerest efforts.
Proud creature I may be, I beg for knowledge and understanding.
Of course, little one.
And the water rises.
These days, I have Lilith’s faith. I’ve grown, despite myself.
I’ve been to the bottom of enough oceans to know there’s nothing in my own soul that I have to be afraid of, and there’s no emotional pressure that will crush me out of existence. I don’t even hold my breath anymore.
It’s a strange feeling.
White-hot terror, co-existing with excited curiosity.
Someday maybe I’ll actually figure it all out.
Bottom’s up.
Every time is enter into my darkest of times I’m struggling,pleading, arguing with spirit; I wish every time this happen, I am more calm and receptive or at least has more faith but I try as much as I can and , as always, plead for comfort and an answer of how to move past this. Hoping I will learn better ways to handle the next one.
It gets easier with time, age, and practice.
Also — and I know how hard this is — try not wishing for comfort, but rather acceptance. Comfort is an attempt to escape. And the nature of this path, in my experience, is that it simply isn’t possible for you to escape yourself. You have to confront it, and make peace. That can be very scary the first time you do it. But believe me, your soul is tougher than you think.
Thanks for replying; I feel that and it’s often out in my face when I eventually get frustrated; acceptance becomes a last resort for me, but I guess that’s the point.; acceptance of my habits and regrets.
I have came back to your comment and often feel like I’m always seeing a new perspective or resolving something in me again 🙂
I’ve read this through a few times and I always see a duality in Lilith enacting change in an individual through pressure.
On one hand, I can be a bit much to deal with, and I see it as potentially rude and egotistical to expect others to just have to put up with my intensity. So often I’ll make an effort to, minimize myself in a sense, subdue myself so I’m more palatable to others.
But on the other hand, why should I have to put up with others world views at the expense of my own. I shouldn’t have to pretend to be less than myself. I should embrace how I am regardless of their sensibilities.
I’ve had a few other thoughts interacting with this article but mostly this thought. I’ve been going through some changing waves of my own over the last few months and I empathize with the way in which you’ve described your own.
Whew. I am truly blessed to have found my way here.
✨Another daughter of Lilith